JOKES II


Quotable Quotes
"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer)
(On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." - Bruce Willis
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" - Sandra Bullock
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'" -Jason Alexander (from Seinfeld)
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." -Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." - Sharon Stone
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." - Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading." - Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Dan Rather (News anchorman)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,'Thyroid problem?'" - Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." - Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods
"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'" - Patricia Arquette
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." - Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Rev. Jesse Jackson
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson

 

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Updated 8/5/2014